Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Can Men and Women be Friends?

Every guy knows that what is shown in the above video is generally true by default. Apparently, while not as ready to admit or acknowledge it, so do most women. You see, ladies, me and every other male want to have sex with you. It’s not something we decided. It was decided by nature. Fortunately, we humans have the option to shift into manual override and act against our natural instincts. Therefore, men may not necessarily be actively trying to have sex with their female friends. However, given the opportunity and an absence of the perceived negative consequences, you are more than likely going to get it, ladies.

That’s how it is, but it raises ethical the questions of how each party may best respond to this aspect of the man/woman friendship. If a woman knows her guy friend is waiting for an opportunity to hook up with her, is continuing to hang out with him pretty much like hanging a carrot over his head? Is it ethical to continue that type of relationship? This is directed specifically between exclusive friendships where a woman and her guy friend are mostly alone together while he lends an ear to her problems and then tries to cheer her up by letting her practice her beautician skills by trying applying just the right shade of lipstick to his face to make his eye “pop”. This is not directed so much at the kind of friendly interactions that generally takes place in a group setting.

One reason that keeping the guy friend in your back pocket may be unethical is because, as any guy who has been “friend zoned” can tell you, it can be torture to be so close to a woman you have a desire for and not be able to act on those desires. It is very much like being in a room full of delicious cake and cookies and not being allowed to taste them.

Let’s not put all the responsibility on the women of these friendships though. If a man doesn’t like the feeling of being treated like a woman’s gay friend, he has every right to stop playing that role. You know which type of guy never, ever gets friend zoned? Guys who aren’t friends with women for whom they retain a sexual desire (That’s right. I just proper-Englished a “whom” on your asses. Shaking things up a bit now.).

In other words, if you are going to let a woman walk all over you like that, you are being a bit of a pussy, to put it bluntly. You’re not being a “nice guy.” You’re acting like a bitch, son. I’m very disappoint. Do you really expect her to respect your lack of personal integrity? Just a little tough love, bros. I sincerely hope you ponder this the next time you are fapping about your BFF (Best Friend For_until_intercourse_happens). <3

As if the element of sex doesn't complicate the man/woman friendship enough, let's add relationships to the equation. What effects will having friendships with those of the opposite sex have on your romantic relationship? Once again, ladies first (That's right! I also open the door for my hoes 'cause I'm a gentleman like that...).

Dear wiminz, if you are wondering why your boyfriend might get jealous if you are trying to have a lot of one on one time with another man who is "just a friend," it's because we know what has already been said; that more than likely your platonic guy friend is like that damned camper on a first person shooter who sucks so bad that instead of actually playing the game, he patiently waits for an opportunity to come to him and then he tries to shoot before anyone sees him and treats him as target practice. (Did I just make an FPS gaming analogy while targeting the female Green Pirate audience which probably doesn't exist? hmm not sure if helpful...) In other words, he is likely waiting with his fingers crossed for you to be really upset about that fight with your boyfriend so that he has an opportunity to comfort you, be closer to you and maybe even get the rare, much coveted among friend zonebies, nice guy appreciation sex (Yeah, that's more helpful. BTW, while breaking the fourth wall here (or is it a fifth wall if I'm already speaking directly to the audience. maybe it's the ceiling? Shit, what is this then? Sixth wall? I don't even...) I would just like to let it be know what the term "zonebies" as defined by "persons currently zoned as friends by the opposite sex" is officially being published under a CC license. Go ahead. Google it. No relation to Kenyans.).

Chances are, most women with guy friends are faithful to their boyfriend and don't actually want to have sex with their guy friend. Different men respond differently to this. Some might be very opposed to it and others might just feel confident in the fact that your guy friend is a zonebie who doesn't pose a real threat to his relationship with you. In either case, if your boyfriend is not making a stink about your spending time with another man, it is because he respects your freedom as well as your judgment and wants you to be happy. It is doubtful that it is because he believes your guy friend genuinely wants to be "just friends."

Alright fellas, your turn. What is going with on you guys who, admitting you want to have sex with your female friends, find yourselves hanging out one on one with other women while you are in a monogamous relationship? While I don't speak for every man or claim any absolutes here, I am not generally wanting to spend my free time with women who aren't my girlfriend.

It is not unheard of for the roles to be switched where a woman gets friend zoned by a man either. Why string someone along though? In most cases, I suspect that a man who keeps a lot of female friends on hand don't feel like he is at a point in the relationship where he expects it to last indefinitely. I'd be willing to bet that it's a lot less common for men who are married to have female friends than men who just have a girlfriend, unless they are having a lot of problems in the marriage. There is way less paperwork and alimony involved. It is a simple matter of risk vs. reward.

For both men and women, who are as of yet unmarried, keeping such "friends" may even be treated as a way to hedge your relationship risks. If ever things should go downhill in your current relationship, there is another suitor. Of course, this includes the connotation of expecting your current relationship to fail. I have my doubts about whether it is possible to move toward a serious relationship until this notion and the practice of keeping a backup around is removed, even if it is just for emotional support without any romantic interest in that guy friend. Of course, most of this only applies to monogamy. The ployamorous couple probably isn't having these same concerns.

Lastly, I would like to address the zonebies out there who I have not been so kind to in this post. Most guys have probably been in this situation and some wise up while others keep falling into the same hole. You poor saps who are stuck in the friend zone, don't you put yourself in that position? Or at least, you keep yourself there.

Your feelings for your friend may be genuine, but is your reaction to them? Do you find yourself justifying the situation a lot? Do you say things like "I just care about her so much that I want to have her in my life, even if it's just as friends." How noble of you, white knight! If you care so much, why do you want her to go through the heartache of breaking up with her current boyfriend? Is it really because he is such a bad guy and you would treat her a million times better if only she would just give you a chance? Maybe so. What about if he isn't a bad guy?
Either way it raises some questions about your character when you are scamming on another man's woman. Doing it under the guise of being a friend really comes off as cowardly. Once again, I maintain that it is this very lack of balls that is keeping you in that situation. If she wants to be with you then make it happen. If not, back off and move on with life. Either way, if you don't man up you're going to miss out on all those nice women out there who actually do want to be with you. Good luck!

It's ultimately up to each couple to decide how they will address this issue or whether they will address it at all. Hopefully, this gives some insight and things to discuss. I'm Dr. Ill and I approve this message.

Dear female friends, I hope the revelations that some part of my human nature wants to have sex with you or the implication that being friends with a female means I don’t have any sexual attraction toward you doesn’t piss you off, thus ruining any chances I might have had at sleeping with you at some negative-consequence-lacking, future point in time.